What is grief and how to cope with it
Written by Liza Linde, Clinical Psychologist
Mondia Health Woodlands, Bloemfontein
3 December 2024
Grief is defined as a natural and deeply personal response to loss. It is the experience of coping with a loss, and the absorption, adjustment, acceptance and endurance of it.
The death of a loved one, loss of a job, end of a relationship, loss of health or even loss of identity all form part of the experience of grief.
Grief is unique to each person, as unique as our personality and our relationship with the person or situation was. The task of grief is not to finish and move on but rather an element of yourself, an alternation of your being and a new way of seeing yourself.
The complexity of grief is often overlooked and seen as hanging onto the loss rather than the multifaceted nature of it. Grief manifests itself emotionally, mentally and physically. Getting to know your grief and not fearing it is important. Grieve in whatever way feels right for you. Meet yourself right where you are every single day. Don’t allow the world around you to demand you to meet them where they need and want you to be. The more aware you are of your grief process the more equipped you will feel to create movement during a challenging time.
Grief awareness involves recognising that this emotional experience is normal and crucial for individuals, families and communities to normalise grief. This will allow for open conversations about loss to take place and stigmatisation and isolation not to interfere with the process. The more acknowledgement there is about grief, the less misunderstandings there will be and unrealistic expectations of how one must grieve. Having an idea of what normal grief looks like helps in creating awareness.
It’s normal to:
- Feel great one minute and feel you’re falling to pieces the next minute.
- Avoid things and people that remind you of your loss.
- You move in and out of acceptance, denial, bargaining, anger and depression, have been termed the five stages of grief. The five stages of grief model marks universal stages in learning to accept loss. These stages are not linear in nature and rather emphasises the importance of flexibility in what you experience. (Elisabeth Kubler-Ross, 1969)
- Not be interested in activities and a desire to be alone.
- Feel like no one else can understand the magnitude of your loss and feel the pressure to get over it quickly.
When there is a lack of awareness and openness about grief, a lot of things are not talked about. Secondary losses such as loss of support system, loss of financial security, loss of confidence, loss of faith, loss of dreams for the future are overlooked.
You might lose weight, you might put on weight, you might not sleep, you might sleep constantly, and you might notice you get ill more often.
You might have a delayed experience of grief. Your grief might be complicated by other comorbid conditions such as depression, anxiety and substance abuse. Grief (trauma) brain lasts for a long period and is often associated with brain fog and short term memory impairment.
People think that grief slowly gets smaller with time, however, grief stays the same size, but slowly life begins to grow bigger around it.
During the grief process when happiness is experienced, it is often accompanied by guilt. Being aware of the duality of grief helps to make space for all emotions to be experienced. Even a sense of relief.
Grief burnout especially during the holidays is when a series of triggers, special days or anniversaries pile up on one another.
Grief awareness is about understanding that grieving is a unique, complex and ongoing process. It’s vital to recognise that grief does not follow a fixed timeline and healing happens in its own time. With empathy, acknowledgement and patience, individuals can better cope with grief, The goal being to form new connections with their life and their surroundings.
Here are some ways you can hold space for yourself during the grief process:
- I allow myself to feel my grief and then let it go. Give space to feel my feelings.
- My life continues and I am worthy of living to the fullest.
- I find strength in reaching out for help as it’s okay that I need time to grieve.
- Journaling about my grief to help me be aware of the hardest parts of my day and what my triggers are.
If you are feeling your grief process is too much and you don’t feel emotionally safe to cope with your day to day, please seek professional support. Therapy, counselling and support groups are available. Remember you are not alone and sharing your experience can reduce the intensity of your feelings. Validate what you are going through and reach out for help!
For help or more information, contact any Mondia Health facility near you. Visit www.mondiahealth.co.za or call the 24-hour helpline at 076 509 4011
