Written by Anne Wessels, Occupational Therapist, Mondia Dihlabeng 

3 September 2024 

Losing a baby during pregnancy is a difficult and emotional experience. It’s natural to feel an overwhelming sense of grief after a miscarriage or stillbirth, as well as a range of emotions like guilt, anger, sadness, and shock. For many, there’s so much hope, expectation, and planning that goes into a pregnancy. When you have a miscarriage or a stillbirth, it can feel devastating and isolating. The days, weeks, months, and even years following a pregnancy loss can be incredibly difficult and painful, but know that you are far from alone.

Some feelings you might experience after pregnancy loss:

• Grief – You may feel grief for your lost baby, your family, and the hopes for this pregnancy. Your grief is real, even if it’s slightly different and not everyone understands it.
• Shock – Miscarriage can come as a huge shock, especially if it was unexpected. You may need time to make sense of what has happened and to come to terms with it.
• Failure and guilt – It’s tough to accept that a baby could stop growing inside you, possibly without you knowing. You might feel responsible for the loss and question if something you did caused the miscarriage.
• Emptiness – Pregnancy loss can leave you feeling empty physically and emotionally. It’s common to feel like nothing else matters and that other people’s problems or work issues are insignificant in comparison.
• Loss of control – Pregnancy can feel overwhelming because so much is beyond your control. Not knowing the cause of a miscarriage can make you feel powerless. This loss of control might also make it scary to consider trying again.
• Fear and anxiety – It’s natural to feel anxious about having another miscarriage if you don’t know why it happened or if it’s not the first time.
• Jealousy – If you’re feeling envious or resentful when others announce their pregnancy or baby’s birth, it can be tough, especially if it coincides with your own difficult dates. Consider avoiding social functions with babies, taking short breaks from family gatherings, and temporary breaks from social media.
• Loss of trust in your body – You may feel let down by your body. You may mistrust your body in future pregnancies and resent the fact that you can’t enjoy your pregnancy.
• Loneliness and isolation – You may feel alone because nobody knew you were pregnant in the first place or if no one understands what you are going through.
• Anger – It might seem unfair for others to be able to conceive and carry with ease, leaving you filled with anger, bitterness and resentment towards yourself or God.

Here are a few things to remember as you’re coping with pregnancy loss:

• Pregnancy loss isn’t your fault – Pregnancy loss can affect anyone, and it’s usually not related to something you did or didn’t do. It’s normal to feel guilty or blame yourself for your pregnancy loss, and while these feelings are very real, it’s not your fault. Be gentle, give yourself grace, and allow yourself time to recover.
• Give yourself the time you need to heal – Experiencing pregnancy loss can be devastating. Give yourself time to grieve and don’t rush the healing process. Consider taking time off work to process your emotions and give yourself space to heal.
• Know that everybody grieves pregnancy loss differently – Everyone grieves differently, and there’s no right or wrong way to deal with grief. If your partner isn’t as affected by the loss as you are, talk openly and honestly with them. Share your feelings and needs while giving each other the freedom to grieve in your own ways. Pregnancy loss can affect your relationship, so consider seeking counselling if needed.
• It’s okay to talk about losing a baby – Although it may seem painful to talk about, sharing your story can make you feel less alone and help you heal. You may be surprised by how many others have their own stories of loss and healing. Being open about your experience might also help erase the stigma for someone else, and give them the freedom and comfort to talk about their own pregnancy loss.
• Express how you feel – After a traumatic experience, it is often helpful to find ways to express how you feel. Some people find keeping a journal helps them make sense of their feelings.
• Allow yourself to feel sad – Try not to force yourself to feel happy, or feel guilty about feeling sad, even if a lot of time has passed since your miscarriage. Feeling sad is a healthy part of the grieving process.
• Avoid ‘numbing’ the pain – Avoid things that ‘numb’ the pain, such as alcohol. It’ll make you feel worse once the numbness wears off.
• Commemorate your baby – A lot of people like to find a special way to remember their baby or to do something that makes them feel like they’ve said a proper goodbye.

Looking after yourself

There is no easy way to grieve after something like this happens, but there are some practical things you can do that may help:

• Allow others to offer you help with day-to-day tasks, such as housework or grocery shopping.
• Look after your health by getting plenty of sleep, eating nutritious food and doing some exercise.
• Mindfulness strategies can help if you’re feeling anxious.
• If you’re struggling to cope, ask for help. You might want to join a support group and meet other people who have experienced pregnancy loss. You can also talk to your doctor or see a psychologist for counselling.

Older siblings – Remember that children grieve and deal with loss too. If you have other children, it’s important to explain to them honestly what happened and to answer all of their questions openly, in an age-appropriate way. Family counselling can also help you talk through these emotions with your children.

Trying for another baby – The time it takes to feel ready for another pregnancy varies from person to person. While some may want to try for another baby right away to cope with their sadness, most find that getting pregnant again doesn’t take away their grief. It’s important to give yourself time to grieve before considering another pregnancy.

If you’re finding it hard to cope – The loss of a baby can lead to mental health issues such as depression, anxiety, or post-traumatic stress disorder in some individuals. Seeking extra support may be beneficial for those struggling to cope with daily life after a loss.

There’s support out there for you

Seeking support following a miscarriage or stillbirth can aid in coping with the loss. It may be beneficial to seek the guidance of a professional counsellor to navigate through the challenging emotions you are currently facing and ultimately find a way to manage your grief.  For assistance or to make contact with a mental health specialist, contact your nearest Mondia Health facility.  Visit www.mondiahealth.co.za